apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
