Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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