Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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