I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
