I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
