i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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