should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize