I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
