i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
