FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
