after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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