My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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