If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
