I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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