She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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