I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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