I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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