your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
