Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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