i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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