Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
