Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
