I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Two words: blizzard sex
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
