I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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