Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Sober January is a disaster.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
