Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
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Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
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Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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