Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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