a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
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