I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
