Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
