You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
