I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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