you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
