Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
