My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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