why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
