his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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