Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
