Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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