just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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