hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
