im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
