Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
