I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
