He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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