it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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