I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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