I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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