I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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