I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
