dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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