How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
