My room smells like vodka and shame
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
