I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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