I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
