Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
