we're chasing vodka with high fives
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
