I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
