she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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